bitter coffee
by Tsuru Maiden
Summary: Of bitter coffee, broken hearts, words left unsaid, tears blinked back, and emotions better kept hidden – One-sided Tomadashi and TadaHoney. One-shot; Pre-BH6.


**Author's notes: This was originally a chapter in 'moments with you' that involved Tadashi and Honey Lemon planning a birthday surprise for GoGo but GoGo getting the wrong idea when she sees them together. **

**It escalated from there.**

**I hope GoGo isn't too OOC on this, though I was hoping to achieve a more internally conflicted portrayal. First time writing ****TadaHoney (and one-sided Tomadashi. Hope readers enjoy, and do read and review!**

* * *

GoGo doesn't know why the scene of Tadashi and Honey Lemon smiling at each other, with their hands intertwined as they stroll down the road together, brings an involuntary sting to her heart.

She doesn't know why something twists in her gut, and the aching feeling in her chest almost becomes physical.

All she knows is she shouldn't be feeling this way because Tadashi's her friend and so is Honey Lemon and that there is nothing _wrong_ with them walking together; nothing wrong with them smiling at each other; nothing wrong with Honey leaning towards Tadashi–

GoGo blinks. She almost thinks she's hallucinating at the last observation, but Honey Lemon _is_ moving closer to Tadashi. Her lips graze his cheek lightly, and suddenly, all GoGo hears is Tadashi's laugh like it's the most wonderful thing in the world–

GoGo doesn't hear anything else after that. She turns and bolts for her motorbike.

* * *

Even Fred knows better than to approach her on that day. GoGo works on her wheels at a tyrannical speed. It's almost reminiscent of the time when she thinks she's falling for Tadashi Hamada and does everything she can to distract herself (1). GoGo smiles wryly. How foolish of her to presume that Tadashi understood the feeling. Why else would he be holding hands with Honey Lemon while buying coffee back for the rest of them?

GoGo casts a look in the direction of the coffee cup, placed cautiously at the edge of her desk. Her nickname, GoGo Tomago, is scrawled in small rounded letters and embellished with a heart. It might have elicited an eye roll or an amused smile from GoGo before, given how Tadashi bought it and Honey Lemon would definitely have played a role in getting that infuriating sign drawn there. But now, GoGo only feels a dull throb within her.

Absent-mindedly, she raises the cup to her lips and takes a gulp of the drink.

(It tastes unbearably bitter, but GoGo doesn't think that perception has anything to do with its flavor.)

* * *

They announce that they're dating two days later.

Tadashi has his hand in Honey Lemon's, and he raises it up like a trophy while Honey Lemon beams and laughs. Fred and Wasabi offer their 'congratulations' and smiles, and GoGo finds it in herself to offer an eyeroll and a "Should have seen it coming, Hamada."

She pretends she doesn't see the curious look Tadashi and Honey Lemon give her, when her voice comes out a little harsher than she intends. GoGo brushes it off and announces that she's going down to get some coffee from the vending machine because she's been up all night. It's not exactly a lie– She _had_ been awake until the break of dawn. It just wasn't because of her invention.

She's just been busy wondering why it still hurts when she catches the intimate exchanges between the two of them - hidden in their daily conversations and actions - and the blatant look in their eyes when they share glances.

Maybe its because, GoGo admits as she takes a tentative sip of her coffee, she used to think that _she _was the one who exchanged looks with Tadashi Hamada that way. That way like they're in love.

(She leaves with the conclusion that vending machine coffee tastes equally bitter and is possibly worse than store-bought coffee.)

* * *

Fred is the first to notice.

"You love him, don't you?"

GoGo's answer is to stare at him like he's crazy, and she entertains the idea of playing dumb for a while. Fred must have seen the cogs turning in her head, because he cuts her off before she can.

"C'mon GoGo, I'm dumb, but I'm not _that_ dumb." GoGo thinks she'd like to challenge that statement, but she ends up sighing and raising her hands in mock defeat. She's too tired to do anything else.

"What gave it away?"

Fred's reply is to plunge into another one of his comic book tirades. "COOL! I mean, it's like the love triangle you see in the comics! Like, X-men had one where Jean Grey's torn between the cool and serious Cyclops and bad boy supreme, Wolverine (2)! Of course, she doesn't really get either of them and Wolverine kinda lets her go but–"

GoGo rolls her eyes and sips at the cup of coffee she's holding.

"But Wolverine can't get the girl cos that means betraying Cyclops and Jean Grey loves Cyclops, not him so he can't–"

The words strike her surprisingly hard, a snide reminder of her current situation. GoGo blinks away the sting in her eyes before Fred can notice.

(Suddenly, under the underlying bitterness of the coffee comes tangy saltiness.)

* * *

Wasabi takes a more careful approach.

'Careful approach' comes in the form of an invitation to a quiet corner in the lab, a plate of cookies, and two delicate china cups filled with Earl Grey tea and coffee.

After everything has been served, Wasabi seats himself opposite of GoGo and take a few seconds to settle into a comfortable position ("Urgh, this sofa is too _soft._"). Meanwhile, GoGo pops her gum loudly and nonchalantly. When the hulking male has finally established a suitable position on the sofa, a tentatively awkward silence lingers between them.

"So…" Wasabi begins. GoGo shoots him an unimpressed look, and Wasabi buries his face in his hands.

"I dunno, GoGo, this is all so messed up." GoGo has to crack a smile at that. Using the words messed up? Wasabi must truly be serious about this conversation.

"You act like this matters more to you than me," she snorts in an attempt to joke. She doesn't get why everyone's walking on eggshells around her. Can't they tell that she's absolutely _fine_? It's _only_ a small crush on Tadashi Hamada, _only_ a small surprise that he's dating Honey Lemon, and _only_ a small matter that doesn't warrant such molly-coddling. GoGo doesn't get what the fuss is about.

But Wasabi raises his head and looks at GoGo straight in the eye.

"No. _You're_ the one acting like this matters more to anyone else but you."

GoGo feels something inside her crack and break.

(The cookies are fine, but the coffee still ends up tasting bitter, despite the two sugar cubes Wasabi added.)

* * *

The third meeting is the most awkward of them all.

"Hi, GoGo!" Honey Lemon chirps excitedly as she bounces into the apartment. GoGo yawns and shuts the door, running a hand through her short tousled hair - the tell-tale sign besides her over-sized shirt that she's just gotten out of bed.

"What do you want?" GoGo asks bluntly, not in the mood to entertain the energetic blonde. They haven't spoken ever since– GoGo cuts herself off when the familiar ache rises within her.

In any case, it's almost been a month. GoGo busies herself by pouring a cup of coffee for the both of them. She brings hers out to the living room where Honey Lemon's seated in, and hands the latter a mug as well.

"To go shopping!" Honey answers enthusiastically. "I need tons of new clothes, and I heard you haven't gone out for some time!"

"Why don't you get Tadashi to go with you?" GoGo mutters, as unenthusiastic as Honey is bright. She doesn't mean it seriously, still occupied with her attempts to drink the beverage (which is far too hot). And maybe that's why Honey's next comment feels like a sharp stab in her heart.

"Oh, he is! We want to go look at," Honey pauses and blushes. "Wedding gowns together," she adds the last part in a whisper.

GoGo feels her coffee mug slip out of her hand and fall to the ground with an ungodly crash. Hot coffee spills all over the floor, and she jolts out of her trance hastily.

As Honey Lemon rushes into the kitchen to get a damp rag, GoGo stares at the fragments of what used to be her favorite coffee mug. She thinks they resemble her heart in more ways than one - broken and unfixable.

(Needless to say, the aroma of the coffee does not change. Honey Lemon chides her for brewing such bitter coffee. GoGo clenches her fists by her side and says nothing.)

* * *

She's wrong. The _fourth_ meeting is the most awkward of them all.

Tadashi walks into the lab at seven, when the skies of San Fransyoko are just beginning to darken. GoGo's alone there, deep in thought as she observes her blueprints closely and makes short notes. The rest of the Nerd Lab's occupants have gone for dinner - Honey Lemon's idea, of course.

GoGo declines in favor of working on her bike. It's a half-truth, really. She'd rather be working on her bike then be stuck at a dinner table, watching Tadashi and Honey Lemon flirt and interact like they're the only two people left in the world. GoGo gives a wry smirk. As strong and brave as she's made out to be, she's really a coward at heart, after all. _Pathetic_.

"GoGo? Don't you want to join us for dinner?" GoGo gives a start when she hears Tadashi's voice. He's standing beside her, and he's far too _close._

"I'm fine," she ascertains through gritted teeth, before turning away from him and directing her attention back to her blueprints. Her grip on her pencil tightens.

"Are you sure?" Tadashi presses on despite her obvious reluctance. GoGo's managed to avoid interacting with him for some time now, but her luck in evading him has run out.

Given her sudden withdrawal in the Nerd Lab (even though she's never exactly been talkative from the start), GoGo supposes even Tadashi (_especially_ Tadashi) would have figured out something was wrong with her by now.

Out of all the people in her life - even her family - Tadashi's probably the only one who can read her like an open book, and it is something she has always secretly been fond of. Now, it's a clear disadvantage on her side, and GoGo just prays hard he won't know _why_.

"Ethel-Leiko-GoGo Tomago, you've been ignoring me for the past one and a half months and I think I have the right to know why. What did I do to upset you?" His voice is _filled_ with concern, and GoGo _hates_ it. She hates Tadashi Hamada for making her feel this way; hates that he's chosen Honey Lemon over her; hates that he cares so much and it hurts even more.

But most of all, she hates herself for falling in love with him because he will _never_ feel the same way.

"I said I'm _fine_!" Her voice is sharp and harsh and GoGo flinches at how _broken_ she sounds. Tadashi reels back in surprise at her outburst, and GoGo hates it even more that he's hurting her and he doesn't even know it–

But really, she's the one hurting herself, isn't it? She's the one still clinging onto a ghost of the past; the one who gave herself false hope; the one who blamed others for her own hurt, the one who's too selfish to even be happy for two of her _best_ friends in the world–

"I'm sorry." GoGo takes a deep breath (even though her chest feels unbearably tight and her ribs feel like they're stabbing against her heart) and apologises cordially. "I've just been tired for the past few weeks." It's not a lie. "It's late. You should go back and join them for dinner. I'm sure Honey's missing you." Contrary to the sharp snap before, GoGo thinks her current voice sounds incredibly hollow to her ears.

Tadashi looks like he wants to ask more, but as he looks into her eyes, GoGo silently begs him not to say anything else. Because her emotions and words are threatening to overflow and they are both emotions that are better left unnoticed and words that are better left unsaid.

(Like how she's in love with him; how she wishes (and _hates_ herself for it) that he and Honey Lemon would break; how she really wants to be happy for him but _can't _because every time she thinks about him all she feels is her chest constricting like she's drowning on land; how she wants to hate him too, but is even more unable too because she still loves him.)

(Like how she wants to move on from it, but she doesn't know how.)

"I see. Take care, GoGo." Tadashi's words are short, empty, and GoGo feels like her heart is breaking all over again.

He starts to leave and never looks back. GoGo watches him about to disappear and–

_No regrets._

"Wait!"

Tadashi turns, his eyes brimming with curiosity.

"I…" The words die in her throat. _I love you._

Tadashi looks at her, and GoGo fails to detect any impatience in his warm brown eyes. She almost wishes that he would be in a hurry to get back to Honey Lemon; that he would care _less_ about her.

Because she knows no matter _how much_ he cares, it will never be the same way he cares about Honey Lemon - never be anything more than friendship and platonic love.

"Are... Are you happy now, Tadashi?" She's breathing too hard for a simple question like this.

"Yes," Tadashi replies, even though he looks perturbed by GoGo's sudden question. "I don't think I've ever been happier in my entire life." His warm brown eyes soften, and GoGo feels her throat tighten.

"I… I'm happy for you." She is. She just wishes it wouldn't hurt so badly. "Take care of Honey Lemon, please." Her blessing is one and a half - approaching two - months late, and Tadashi gives her a strange look. GoGo fervently hopes that he will not find anything wrong with her belated benedictions, but all that matters is that she's said it.

"I will," Tadashi smiles again, and this time it looks calm.

The door closes and GoGo cries. No one is there to see her stoic mask crumple; see her body rack with sobs; see the hot tears spill from her eyes; see the emotions she has trapped inside of her explode; see her completely _break down_. She is alone, and she is crying, and slowly, the emotions gradually free their weight from her shoulders.

(She feels as if a load has rolled off her, and despite the dull throb in her heart, coffee doesn't taste as bitter as it did anymore.)

* * *

"Tadashi Hamada was our best friend." GoGo Tomago glances down at Hiro, and the first thing she thinks is that he looks so much like his older brother. The resemblance stings her heart, but she resolutely ignores it.

"We're in."

She never tells anyone that Tadashi had meant more than that to her.

* * *

(1) A mild reference to my first BH6 fanfic- 'five times she falls'. Of course, this fanfic follows a different timeline compared to that.

(2) I know this isn't what exactly happened in X-men, but I couldn't find any other proper examples. I'm sorry for offending any X-men fans.


End file.
